Week 3 Autopsy

Can you hear that? It’s the distant sound of ankles breaking as people leap off the Bills and Dolphins, bandwagons.

Raiders @ Patriots – horrible red zone offense by Patriots…If you’re gonna use a 6th offensive lineman, why not run some verticals? Can’t Brady stay upright for 3 seconds and launch a few? You’ve got to back those safeties off, or Edelman’s gonna get injured and it’s gonna be even sadder to watch. But the sky isn’t falling. The Broncos, Saints and Packers (the other teams with great QBs) aren’t firing on all cylinders either.

As for the Raiders? They’re much worse, and the 0-3 record shows it’s time to look to 2015 in the Bay Area. Dennis Allen will probably be gone in a few weeks. Good riddance.

Chiefs @ Dolphins – maybe the Dolphins excellent D against the Patriots week 1 was just luck, because they’ve sucked the 2 games since and the defensive players are unhappy with the adjustments at halftime.

49ers @ Cardinals: Jim Harbaugh wasted a bunch more timeouts yesterday during another meltdown. Kaepernick is an embarrassment this season. Anquan Boldin is one of many players who can’t keep his composure long enough to win the game. They’d rather throw a tantrum and lose. Sounds like classic Jim Harbaugh to me. He’s the whiny bitch same guy that sucker punched Jim Kelly back in the day, breaking his hand and yet not hurting Kelly

God I love Bruce Arians. That guy even lets Carson Palmer and Drew Stanton throw verticals! And sometimes they complete them! The Honey Badger is back, Patrick Peterson is good, and that no name defensive front just keeps shutting people down. People keep saying the best team in football is the Bengals. I’ll say it’s the Cardinals. They’re 3-0 with a backup QB!

Broncos @ Seahawks: Peyton Manning was afraid to throw more than ten yards downfield for 58 minutes. The loss is on Peyton, for either calling all those draws on 3rd and long or checking to them. And of course John Fox doesn’t have any balls. He punted on a 4th and 2, and a 4th and 1, and in what could have cost them the game, wasted a timeout with the clock already stopped.

After the Broncos had success on their final drive running switch verticals, Phil Simms said that Pete Carroll hasn’t taught the Seahawks how to cover switch verticals. PHIL SIMMS IS LYING. The Seahawks ran switch verticals often last season, it’s one of the most popular deep route combos in football at the moment, so not only has Pete taught it, they’ve faced it in practice. They just failed to stop it. Possibly due to the lack of pressure on Peyton. Last season the Seahawks had the deepest D front in football. This year Red Bryant and Chris Clemons aren’t there, and Peyton had time to drop perfect passes in. It’s that simple. And as much as I enjoyed D Thomas catching that 2 pt conversion on Richard Sherman, the Broncos sure as shit weren’t running the switch on Sherman’s side.

Steelers @ Panthers – The Todd Haley Experiment continues. The Steelers O is only good when Big Ben improvises, so of course Haley spends the first half calling 1 yard routes….good running game late, as LeGarrette Blount had his 10th good game as a pro, which inspired Chris Fucking Moron Collinsworth to call LeGarrette Blount “Mariano Rivera”. That’s right, LeGarrette Blount of  TEN career 100 yard games compared to the all time greatest closer who has successfully closed 652 games! What substance does Chris Collinsworth smoke and how can I get some? He’s beginning to give Phil Simms a run for his money as the worst analyst in football.

But for now, Phil is still the master.

Phil Simms Best Worst Quotes of the Week:

“When you think you got it, you know.”

“In slow motion, it always looks like a catch.”

But minutes later:

“In slow motion, everything in the NFL looks like pass interference.”

“The idea is to tackle the receiver before the first down.”

And that was the end of another great day for professional American tackle football!



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