Occasionally someone will say to me, “Do you read Tuesday Morning Quarterback?” and I’ll say, “No.” They’ll assume I haven’t heard of it, and they say, “You’d love it.” This is when I have to cut them off and explain that I don’t read it because it’s full of bullshit and that Gregg Easterbrook is a waste of my time. There’s a few salient points, usually junior varsity game management stuff, but they’re lost in tons of words directed at politics, religion, space, whining about Hollywood magic, whining about holidays, uppity holier-than-thou bullshit and when that fails, plain old bullshit.
But, like other things I haven’t done in years, I should try again to make sure I don’t like them. The culinary value of coconut. The music of the late 90s. Water sports. I decided to evaluate today’s column for proof. Easterbrook pretends to follow football, and writes for ESPN. He wrote hundreds of words about politics, and yet barely mentions half the teams. Maybe people read this guy for all the political shit that I scrolled past. If so, good for them…but as usual, there was bullshit and then I gave up. Here’s the bullshit.
“Normally, defenders crave the moment when a quarterback is a runner or receiver because taking a shot is legal. Instead, Wreh-Wilson appeared to pull up.”
Bullshit. Watch the play. Wreh-Wilson goes for the interception and misses. Completely different than pulling up. Maybe Wreh-Wilson should have just laid out Dalton, so that people who don’t understand what they’re watching would think “attaboy, he sure didn’t pull up!” He went for the pick six and missed. Hell, he plays for the Titans. Of course he missed. But he DIDN’T “pull up.”
Easterbrook writes (in a nonfootball section that I read because he baited me with a picture of whisky):
“Steer your ship clear of Talisker 25, whose 116 proof is close to grain alcohol.”
Steer your ship away from this “close to” bullshit. “Close to” in what terms? Grain alcohol is 190 proof. Take a swig of Talisker 25, and take a swig of Everclear. You won’t say “that’s close!” You’ll pass the fuck out soon after, because those 2 shots will lead you to thinking “Lemme have some more!” The Talisker will taste better but the Everclear will destroy your brain and body. In a beautiful way. I once mixed grain alcohol with Jagermeister and Goldschlager and forgot a whole month. I’ve heard good things about October of 1999. Ah, college girls.
But I digress. Since when is 116 close to 190? “Well, Bob, it’s halfway there!” It’s not even 75% there. I’d assume “close” means at least 95%. Just a tad off, right? “Practically the same.” A can of PBR is close to a bottle of Miller High Life. Not the same, but close. But 116 to 190? That’s more like “a fuck ton away from, completely different, only a fool would say these are close.”
So we beat on…